The Epic Battle Of Accepting That You’re A Facebook Stalker.

I, Emily R. Marciniak, am a hardcore Facebook stalker.

It’s taken me a while to get to this point- being able to admit it, I mean.

Let’s be honest, we all got a little creeper in us, and social media sites like Facebook and Twitter make it SUPER easy to let it out.  Whether we choose to let it out in full force, full speed ahead, checking out the ex girlfriends/boyfriends of our crushes from 5 years ago and viewing each and every one of their 672 tagged photos, or in smaller forms by simply reviewing a person’s “wall” all the way back to 2009, we. all. do it.

I don’t care if you are shaking your head at me right now.  “No, Emily, I do not stalk people.  I am above that.  And furthermore, I honestly don’t care about the pics people are tagged in, or what my ex best friend is doing with my stupid ex boyfriend on their vacation in Miami.  I just don’t.  So shut up.” Well, no, I won’t.  And I think you are only doing yourself a disservice by not admitting your true identity.  Facebook creeping is nothing to be ashamed of people!  It’s a simple fact of life!

Let me first define what “Facebook stalking” is.  According to the nationally accredited Urbandictionary.com, Facebook stalking is “a covert method of investigation using Facebook.com.” Simple, but well put.  Okay, so maybe you don’t go quite as crazy as I do and look through the “Notes” people have written (who even does that… I’ll tell you, basically no one).  However, just checking out a person’s page and giving it a once over could be considered “Facebook stalking”.

I realize that because I already admitted I am a stalker, you might be thinking I’m just trying to justify myself here.  So take it from another internet sensation, “Jenna Marbles”, a popular YouTuber who got her start with a funny video on how to trick people into thinking you’re good looking (WARNING: Jenna is as addicting as she is explicit. Girlfriend doesn’t have a filter.)

To help  you all out if you are still unsure about whether you are a Facebook stalker or not, I’ve made this list based off of some research and some of my own creative stirrings.

11 Ways To Know That You Are In Fact, A Facebook Stalker!

1. You know the middle name of your current significant other’s ex.  You might also know where they went to high school, what their current s/o looks like, and who their friends are, because they’re stalkers too and they keep trying to friend you.

2. You know the times of day that certain people will be checking their Facebook.  Sometimes you get upset staring at their name on FB Chat because they are not instant messaging you. What the hell.  Oh well, we’ll try again same time tomorrow.

3. You check your profile page and go through your pictures nearly every time you add a new friend.  It’s only natural.  That girl who was your arch-enemy in undergrad just added you and you want, no NEED, to look good.  Let’s make sure there’s no ‘special’ photos we need to untag real quick.

4. You limit yourself to only two checks of Facebook per day during Lent at 15 minute increments.  This one might be too specific. Yeah, okay, you got me, this one’s about me.

5. You have a list of friends whom you immediately text every time a new engagement pops up on Facebook. Often times, it’s a race to see who can get the news out first.  And then it’s a race to the anxiety medication because you are SO far away from ever being at that point in your life.

6. Facebook is the first thing you check in the morning, and the last thing you check before bed at night.  In this case, FB is kind of like your relationship partner.  When you find that it’s more reliable than your real life relationship partner, then you have a problem.

7. When a friend ‘temporarily disables’ their Facebook, you assume you have been removed from their friends.  And shortly after send them sad faces in multiple text messages.

8. You have gone through at least one entire photo album of person you do not even know. It’s called “living vicariously”… or being a stalker.

9. You have gone all the way back to the beginning of someone’s “timeline” if they have the new timeline format.  I’m still debating how I feel about this new FB style.  Whatever, it allows me to see what people were doing in 2007 and makes me feel better about how awkward and disgusting I was then too.

10. You are reading this because you stalked my page.  It’s cool.  No one’s judging.  In fact, I’m actually flattered, so thank you!

11. You have ever poked anyone, ever.  This part of stalking is actually just not okay.  Just… just don’t do it.

I hope this helped everyone.  Just take your acceptance a day at a time, or perhaps, a photo, or a profile page at a time.

[For more ways to tell, check out where some of my inspiration came from: click here, here, and/or here.]

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5 thoughts on “The Epic Battle Of Accepting That You’re A Facebook Stalker.

  1. Uma Anand says:

    haha… I really enjoyed reading that…

    but I thought i’d let you know how I feel about this timeline thing and how that can be quite scary from a big daddy perspective…

    i really really dont like the idea of this new timeline… it is sooo annoying that I have to now untag about 90% of the pictures I have up from 2006… Those were the days this platform was just for your friends and NOW people who are hiring you have access to this information… Back then I never thought about a single picture or comment I made… stalking was easy and fun and was mostly done by people you sort of knew… but now the bigger implications of stalking are kind of insane… I read somewhere that facebook is not really free… WE are the payment… so can you imagine how many people have access to this information… the freakin scares the hell out of me…

    at every juncture I feel like we are being told that EVERYBODY is watching us… not just ex-besties and bfs…

  2. That is a really good point! Unless you have your account settings set to extremely private (which is not as easy as you’d think it would be, or SHOULD be) so that people can’t find you, or can only see your face, future employers have access to sooo much.

    The fact that anyone can so easily go back to your pictures from 2006, is terrifyingg. That reason alone is what kept me from switching over for so long. They try to make up for it by letting you have a preview of the new platform for over for a week before anyone else sees it so you can clean stuff up. But like you said, that’s a real hassle to have to go through and delete all those pictures!

  3. Oh Emily, clearly you are my soul sister. The first step to any progress is admitting the truth. I Courtney, do admit I have a few—several—of the traits you listed that would qualify me as a Facebook stalker. Is it a girl thing? Are we just natural detectives?

    Facebook and Twitter make it so hard to get over your ex because you keep seeing their stupid status updates minifeed or a friend retweets something dumb they’ve said into your timeline. Then what do you do? Click on their page to see what they’re doing, who they’ve been talking to etc, etc.

    I had to cut that out for Lent! I promised not to let things of my past get my attention on social media—can you imagine what a task that is? The temptation of wanting to peek and see is such an epic battle between my detective/nosey nature and my soul! Wahhhh
    Lent is clearly rehab for me. 40 days and 40 nights, I solemnly swear to cut back on my Facebook and Twitter stalking of my ex and move forward. However, I can’t speak for my friends/fellow Facebook stalkers who make sure they get the scoop via any social media outlet available.

    • HAHA too funny! I’m glad I’m not alone in my social media restricting Lenten promises.

      Also, I really like what you said about girls being “natural detectives”. I might rename this post to ‘Admitting You’re Just a Natural Born Detective Following Your Instincts…’ thoughts?

  4. Wow. I think I’m a Facebook stalker. LOL!

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